agnes, menina do gru

Because life is not just work ... relax! Here is a small collection of jokes, whose theme, of course, is mathematics.

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

Hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep on average.

Two random variables were talking in a bar. They thought they were being discrete but I heard their chatter continuously.

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist counters, "They must have reproduced."
Finally, the mathematician suggests, "If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains:
"Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: “I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

Q: If you have 7 apples in one hand and 5 apples in other so what you have?
A: A big hand!

Two math professors are sitting in a bar.
One says "I am so disappointed in people nowadays. Hardly anyone understands math properly."
The other one says "I think you are way to hard on people and anyways what a pessimistic view of life!"
The first man says "Whatever I'm going to the bathroom."
The remaining professor calls over the pretty blonde bartender and says "When I call you over next time and as you a question answer with x-cubed divided by 3"
The bartender says "uhhh what?" The professor says repeat after me: "x-cubed" "ex-cooooobed" "divided by 3" "divided by tree"
So the other professor comes back from the bathroom and the optimistic professor says "Hey your statement earlier really upset me. Look I bet I can prove that an ordinary working girl knows high level math"
The other professor says "Alright prove it to me"
The first professor calls over the blonde bartender and says "Alright what is the integral of x-squared?"
And the bartender answers "x-cubed divided by 3!" as she walks away the other professor is all amazed.
Suddenly the bartender turns around and yells "PLUS THE CONSTANT OF INTEGRATION!"